My Struggle With Grace
Ugh, I have debated writing this down. This post that hurts to write. This post that feels like God is calling me to write it, but I wish it weren’t my story.
Accepting God’s grace is a battle for me. It has been since I was a little girl and it still is now. It’s difficult for me to write this down because I am so passionate about teaching others about God’s grace and reminding them how deeply loved they are.
I have gone through so many seasons where I have felt like I was finally “fixed” in this area. Strongholds broken, weights lifted, tears streaming down my face, I AM FREE written in ALL CAPS across my journal pages.
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I have sought out God’s love and like the persistent widow Jesus talks about in Luke 18, I have begged God to show His love to me, so that I could trust I was His child. In the Luke parable, Jesus tells of a widow who keeps pleading her case for justice to a corrupt judge. He finally grants her justice because she is so relentless. Jesus tells this story to remind His disciples to keep praying and never give up. Of course, God, the perfect judge, will answer the prayers of those who faithfully cry out to Him. God is so faithful to answer and many times, He has indeed whispered to me, "Sarah, I love you." I’ve whispered back with surprise:
I am loved. You really are a good Father. Even I am included in your promises.
Then, a new hard season comes and I am hit in the stomach. My heart drops and the lies seep in. I welcome guilt and shame into my heart. I open the door for them, invite them in, and let them linger. I forget what I know to do. I forget to send them on their way. I forget to confess my sins and then live like I am free and forgiven and chosen. I forget to renounce the lies and proclaim what is true. Like the Israelites wandering in the wilderness, I have forgotten to hold on to the amazing ways that God has shown up for me.
The last 10 months of my life, I have felt almost paralyzed by guilt at times. I am in a spiritual battle. I am weak because I am sleep deprived and hormonal since the birth of my fourth son. Satan is using all of this as leverage to lie to me in the way that cuts me the deepest--saying things like, “You are not loved. You are unworthy. You are bad.”
I wish I had this post wrapped up in a shiny bow and I could tell you that I am free from the weight of shame and condemnation. I’m not. I am struggling. But, it is an uphill battle because I know in the end, Jesus wins!
“I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
I am fighting this battle with Scripture, just like Jesus did when He was tempted by Satan's lies in the wilderness (Matthew 4:1-11, Luke 4:1-13). Here’s what I am proclaiming. These statements don’t feel true, but that doesn’t matter. Father, I believe these, but help my unbelief:
I am chosen. (Ephesians 1:4)
I am forgiven. (John 3:16)
I am holy and BLAMELESS IN YOUR SIGHT. (Colossians 1:22)
There is NO CONDEMNATION for those who believe. (Romans 8:1)
When I turn to you, you run to me. (Luke 15:11-32)
If you are still reading this, maybe it’s because you struggle with guilt or shame too. Oh, I hate Satan for lying to us in this way.
For anyone still on this journey with me, stop right now and do me a favor. Read this list and prayer out loud. There is power in speaking truth out loud. Scream it if you have to. Download these pretty printables so you can tape them to your mirror or your refrigerator or your prayer closet.
I am chosen. (Ephesians 1:4)
I am forgiven. (John 3:16)
I am holy and BLAMELESS IN YOUR SIGHT. (Colossians 1:22)
There is NO CONDEMNATION for those who believe. (Romans 8:1)
When I turn to you, you run to me. (Luke 15:11-32)
God, Help me choose gratitude over guilt. Thank you Jesus for convicting me and disciplining me because you love me. I confess my sins to you. I confess _____________. These are the sins that come to mind, but I know there are others. I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I will trust that I am forgiven, not because of my faith or my actions or anything about me, but because you are good. Because of the cross. This grace is almost too wonderful to comprehend. Father, even when I don’t feel forgiven and free and loved yet, help me choose to believe that I am.
My sweet sister, Kelly, just sent me this song. This describes my season perfectly.
I still act like an orphan I guess My hard heart breaks to confess That even while You hold me As I cry on the floor I still don't know how to be Yours
Listen to this song and get out the tissues. God comes in and speaks. He is not walking out on me. He is not walking out on you. AMEN.
Claim these promises over and over again until they stick.