When You Don't Feel Grateful...
I See You You are scrolling through Instagram and feeling inspired and kind of convicted by all your friends who are "getting after grateful."
You are making your own list of 1,000 reasons.
But you can't shake the other list out of your mind--the list of things you are failing at. This list plays in your head like an annoying catchy preschool song.
You can't quite shake the negativity and the deep sadness that comes when you're alone. You are still hanging on to the guilt, or the grief, or the fear, or the suffocating feelings of insecurity and anxiety. You start the day right, but a few hours in that list of lies is coming to the forefront of your brain again. Or maybe when you hit the pillow at night and you are finally alone, the list of lies loudly rushes in...
"I can't do this."
"I'm a terrible mom."
"My messy house matches my messy life."
"I will never get through this."
I see you because I'm there too. I am trying to juggle work and ministry and my house and my hubby and my three little people plus my fourth new one-- a sweet baby boy who cries incessantly unless he's held. I am beyond grateful and thankful and full of joy one minute and absolutely drowning in the next.
I want to share with you something the Lord told me last week. I think he told it to me for me, but I also think he wants to share it with you. I heard him in my spirit say:
"I see you. Cry out to me. I will help you."
I want to the the kind of woman who is in constant communication with Jesus all day long. I am so broken without him. I need him, every hour, every minute. Right now, I am struggling with postpartum emotions due to hormones and lack of sleep. But the truth is, even when I start sleeping again, I am still a broken person who is prone to anxiety and negativity and coping mechanisms that aren't healthy. I need Jesus every single day and I will need him every single day for the rest of my life.
I am the kind of woman who knows her great need for Jesus. I am the kind of woman who starts off each day kneeling by my bed and giving him my whole day. He is my King. He is the one who has given me the breath in my lungs for each day, so I owe it all to Him.
But I am also the kind of woman who walks away and forgets. I turn to chocolate or my phone or my negative list in my mind. I snap at my kids, I berate myself. I look around at my chaos and think, "YOU ARE FAILING. You don't even deserve them. You need to do more, be more, serve more, love better."
Last week, God stopped me in the midst of this and told me. "I see you. Cry out to me. I will help you." He wants me to call on him, He alone is strong enough to save me from myself and from the enemy's lies.
MOM HACK In response to what the Lord told me, I decided to do something kind of crazy so that I would stop forgetting and stop walking away. I set my alarm clock for every single hour of the day. When it went off, I stopped it and out loud called upon His name.
"Jesus, help me. I need you. I cry out to you. Help me to obey you, help me to speak loving and gentle words over myself and my kids. Help me to encourage others today. Help me not to turn to food or coffee or distractions, but only to you."
I did this all day. My kids thought it was strange. But guess what happened? He helped me. I cried out to him and he helped me all day long. I listened to his voice instead of the other voices. My joy was renewed. I remembered that I was a child of God. I remembered that he hears me, he sees me, and he wants to help me. I felt his delight in me when I cried out to him. I wasn't fixed or healed or perfect, but I had a great day because I remembered that Jesus was close to me. He was the one who reminded me to look into my kids' eyes. He was the one who told me what to clean and what to leave, what to work on and what to offer up to him.
He Sees You
I am absolutely convinced that he wants you to know too...he sees you. He knows every thought that you are carrying all by yourself and He wants you to bring it to him. He wants to remind you who you are. He wants to shut down the broken record of lies in your brain and instead to sing lullabies over you. He wants to tell you how precious you are, how he picked you to be the parent for your kids or the person in your job or the spouse to your spouse. He knows things are broken and messy, but he wants you to cry out to him so he can hold you and help you and teach you to be more like him.
The more we cry out to him, the more we become like him. The less we make decisions out of the desire to please ourselves or out of habit. We will be more likely to strive to please him in every decision, to delight in him more and more, to become the person he created us to be--fully devoted to Jesus and living life to the full.
Try setting your alarm every hour and praying out loud. You can do this at home, you can do this at work (maybe just set the alarms on vibrate). If you can, pray out loud. If you can't, pray in your heart. He hears you and sees you and he takes great delight in you.
The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17